Darker Impulses
by De Ore Leonis
Summary: Harry wonders why anger and frustration seem to be essential for his functioning. Lucius provides an explanation. "It is hard to be exclusively anything, light or dark." Harry provides a solution.


**Disclaimer**: I do not own the characters or world

**Warnings:** Rated for a reason, contains explicit male/male scenes

Thank you to **Mistress Slytherin** for the help with editing

**Darker Impulses**

It was only a recent realisation. When Harry was at the Dursley's it wasn't an issue. He was surrounded by anger resentment and a simmering hatred that had very little to do with who he was and everything to do with what he was. It became more apparent when he had begun to feel happy and secure, when he had friends and people who genuinely cared about him.

These things were good and important in a way that he couldn't even describe. However, he could never comfortably allow things to be so idyllic. Sooner or later he would snap at his friends. He would call Hermione an annoying know-it-all or snap at Ron for some inconsequential little thing.

He didn't mean it. He knew on a fundamental level that he didn't mean it, but there was something about the dissonance and anger that he almost needed. The worst incidences of this almost intentional disharmony surrounded his time dating Cho. He would get angry at himself and his friends and females generally and wonder why he felt so constantly stressed.

Hermione would give him a comforting pat on the shoulder and explain that all teenagers went through an awkward phase and that it would pass. He nearly bit her head off (probably metaphorically), and asked in tight tones if she would give him a moment to himself. She nodded sympathetically and gave him an understanding smile. He wanted to throw a book.

Even Ron's jocular commiserations to the effect of 'women, huh?' nearly earned him punch in the face. Harry bit off a growl with a smile and made the same request for solitude. When he was alone he began to calm himself methodically and focus on his breathing. He tried to think of Cho in positive ways and think of how nice it would be if everything ran smoothly. The more pleasant his thoughts became, the more he desired to grind his teeth together. He broke off with snarl of frustration and his thoughts turned inward and morose. Ironically, or so it seemed to him, stewing in his own thoughts of anger and frustration actually made him feel better. He still wasn't feeling himself, but at least he felt that he wouldn't lash out at the next understanding and helpful individual. What was wrong with him!

He stalked out of the common room for a breath of fresh air. On his way out he passed by some Slytherins who were eyeing him with the usual anger and distaste. Harry felt his lips stretch into the approximation of a smile and gave the group a jaunty wave. The venom pouring off them intensified and Harry felt himself repress a laugh. Slytherins were so easy to bait. He wondered why he let them get to him so often; it was almost refreshing to be hated.

Harry continued through the hallways, but eventually he stopped and pressed his back against a wall. He was feeling better. It made no sense.

"What's wrong with me?" He muttered. "I scowl at my friends and then feel delighted to be hated by a bunch of Slytherin idiots I don't even know. I've never felt like this at the Dursley's."

"It sounds like a simple problem with an intuitively obvious solution."

Harry spun around and glared at the form of Lucius Malfoy, who was standing in the middle of the hallway.

"What are you doing here?" Harry spat.

Lucius raised an eyebrow at the unseemly lack of manners, but refrained from commenting on it. "Ministry business. We have just installed a representative, after all. I am here to discuss progress issues with her."

It might have been Harry's imagination, but it seemed that Lucius' habitual sneer deepened just slightly when he mentioned Umbridge. It was hard to imagine how two people could be so similar in their maliciousness and yet so different in their execution of it.

Harry inwardly fumed at the arrogance rolling off his enemy. Then his mind caught up with the beginning of their exchange. "What did you mean by a simple problem?" he asked warily.

"While I certainly could enlighten you, I see no reason to," Lucius sniffed.

"How about, because you like to feel superior?" Harry countered.

"I am superior, Potter, and I most certainly have no need to demonstrate it. You're going to have to do better than that. Anyway, I have pressing business to attend to." With that, Lucius swept off.

In defiance of all rationality, the exchange left Harry feeling lighter than he had in ages. He would have cursed himself if he wasn't grinning so broadly.

(-)

Several days later, Harry was no closer to discovering what was wrong with him. He also hadn't forgotten his exchange with Lucius and how sure the Malfoy patriarch had seemed about having a reason. On the bright side, a Hogsmeade trip had been scheduled, and with any luck, the comparative freedom and change of scenery would help sooth his temper. Harry specifically slipped away from his friends in order to give himself a little room and, more importantly, to protect them from his irrational temper.

He was wandering aimlessly and contemplating possible explanations when he saw a familiar and unwelcome figure making his way around Hogsmeade. Harry stood still for several moments as he decided what to do. He dismissed the idea of spying because Lucius was hardly going to be doing anything suspicious in a place like this.

He briefly considered going back and telling Ron and Hermione, but he dismissed that idea as well. He wanted answers, and in his desperation, Harry managed to come up with a reasonable trade in a comparatively short amount of time. He approached Lucius.

"Mr. Malfoy," he greeted civilly.

Lucius spared him a suspicious look before extending his own cold greeting. "Potter."

Harry stated his case. Gryffindors had no reason to mince words. "Alright, I have a reason that you should tell me what you know about my problem."

Lucius raised an enquiring eyebrow.

Harry took a deep breath to steel himself. "I could offer you a formal apology for freeing your house-elf."

Lucius smirked. "I think that would suffice. After all, I only have a theory, but it fits the available evidence. We can talk in the Hogshead. The disreputability allows for a modicum of privacy."

Harry nodded. He was not keen to be seen with a Death Eater, let alone Malfoy's father. So when Lucius strode off, Harry trailed after him reluctantly and left a suitable gap between them.

Lucius proceeded through the door and took a seat at a small, battered table in a corner. He ordered firewhiskey for himself and after a pause ordered a butterbeer for Harry. Harry sat warily. When Lucius begun to draw his wand his, Harry's hand immediately flew to his own. Lucius stopped and gave Harry a contemptuous look.

"Really now. I was going to cast a silencing charm so that we may talk privately. That is, unless you want to make your formal apology a public one as well. Perhaps you'd like to stand on the table?"

Harry looked down and shook his head. Then he mumbled something approximating an apology for jumping to conclusions. It looked like he was going to be very sorry today.

"Even if I intended to harm you in some way, which is quite preposterous, I could hardly do anything in a public place, now could I?"

Harry shook his head again, still with his gaze in his lap, and cursed his danger-honed instincts. What was it about the aristocrat that made him feel so unrefined?

Lucius cast the charm and slid his wand away with a sneer in Harry's direction. "So, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Harry sighed. "I am sorry for bringing about the freedom of your house-elf, Mr. Malfoy. It was none of my business and I was out of line. Happy?"

Lucius smirked again. "Your tone of voice could use some work, but I appreciate the sentiment."

Harry glared.

"Now, now, you wouldn't want to undermine your apology, ask your question."

Harry took a final deep breath. "Alright, why I am getting snappy with everyone and only seem to feel better when I'm being negative or around people being negative at me?"

"It's clearly about balance. If you had even the remotest capacity for introspection you would have realised it, by now. The more positive emotions you feel like friendship, love and understanding, let's call it 'happiness' for simplicity's sake, the more you seem to crave, well, certain other emotions."

"Like anger, hatred and outright contempt."

Lucius nodded.

"Why?" Harry blurted.

"Hmm, that's actually a sensible question. How unexpected. It could be a variety of things. There are enough rumours about your home-life to indicate a major deficiency of care. That could lead you to unconsciously try to replicate your home environment. It could be deep seated feelings of inadequacy – likely justified of course," he smirked.

Harry scowled. Lucius ignored him and continued counting off reasons on his elegant fingers.

"But I'm inclined to think that it's something more than that; something more fundamental and inescapable." He searched Harry's face for a moment. Then his gaze settled on Harry's scar for an instant before returning to his eyes.

Harry brushed a hand over his forehead self-consciously.

"You think–"

Lucius cut him off. "It seems as likely as any other cause. Light must balance dark or some such dramatic nonsense. Simply put, magic is often unpredictable, and your situation, unprecedented. It is entirely possible that you possess a sliver of darkness, perhaps not even your own, which does not like being denied. It is a very Gryffindor trait that compels you to refuse even a hint of darkness. If you do not satiate it, eventually it will manifest in ways outside of your control."

"So you're suggesting that I give in to the darkness! Is that it?"

"Calm down. Must you be so melodramatic? It is hard to be exclusively anything, light or dark. I myself find that I have the occasional attack of conscience. I allow it to manifest with the occasional kind gesture to my son. That way it doesn't interfere–"

"–with you being a complete bastard. See, it's not fun to be interrupted, is it?" Harry cut in.

Lucius' expression twisted with distaste, but his eyes held a grudging amusement.

"Someone really should teach you proper manners."

"Someone like you?" Harry countered.

Lucius raised an eyebrow. "If that was a proposition, it needs some work."

Harry was being sarcastic and Lucius was clearly mocking him, but a thought occurred to the teen and the laws of impulsive Gryffindor behaviour demanded that he voice it.

"Wait, that's it! You hate me," Harry announced.

"I'd call it disdain, rather than hatred. It would be beneath me to hate you," Lucius corrected.

"Exactly, that's just the sort of attitude I need for balance."

Lucius look of elegant enquiry transformed into one of shock. "I trust that you're not suggesting…" he spluttered.

Harry smiled a very un-Gryffindor smile. "Don't tell me that the thought hasn't occurred to you during our discussion, Mr. Malfoy. I might even say that this had been your little plan all along."

Lucius' eyes narrowed. "Your demeanour just changed completely. I almost expected you to use 'insinuate' rather than 'say'."

Harry blinked. "I think you're a bad influence."

Lucius scoffed. "You're your own bad influence." The Malfoy patriarch paused for a moment. "Hmm, and now you seem more yourself. Rather fascinating, really. Perhaps you are as unstable as the _Daily Prophet_ claims."

Harry scowled.

Of course, Lucius didn't really pay attention to his own propaganda. The _Prophet _had close ties to the Ministry and in turn the Ministry was mostly in Lucius' pocket – the important parts, at least.

However, the blonde was intrigued despite himself. It wasn't merely the repressed hint of a familiar darkness either. The boy had power. There was no denying the raw magical strength that resided in his form. Lucius had always been attracted to power, mostly in order to find a way to use or control it, but there was a certain degree of allure that accompanied these desires.

Lucius shook himself slightly, was he actually considering Potter's clumsy proposition? He thought through the various consequences with practiced speed. After dismissing most of the negative consequences as minor and unimportant, he quickly realised that a connection with Potter would be incredibly useful regardless of other extenuating factors. He tapped a finger against his chin.

"If, for a moment, we assume that I have had a temporary lapse in judgement and that I am considering your suggestion, what exactly are you proposing?"

Harry's smile could only be described as Slytherin. "You're intelligent enough to realise how favourable an association with me could be, although naturally it would remain private."

"Naturally," Lucius agreed smoothly.

"However, in regards to specifics, I'm sure you know more about the sort of emotions I'm looking for than I would. Any suggestions?"

"As novel as it would be to simply sit around and belittle you for a few hours, I have better things to do with my time." Lucius snorted. "I could always despoil you physically, but I highly doubt–"

"That could work," Harry calmly cut over the blonde's mocking suggestion.

Lucius was speechless. It had happened only three times since he had reached adulthood. He took a deep breath and refrained from asking what in Salazar's name was wrong with the young wizard. He had seen it as the most logical and useful way of achieving Potter's goal, but he hadn't really believed that the other would ever agree.

"Is something the matter, Lucius?" the arrogant brat asked with a mild expression.

Lucius composed himself. "Not as such, although considering our respective locations, the logistics could be a problem."

"This place has rooms for situations like this, doesn't it?"

Lucius was running out of cogent reasons to refuse what was, quite frankly, an extremely tempting offer.

"Perhaps I," Lucius broke off with a sigh and changed the direction of his statement. "Fine. If there's a valid reason to refuse, I can't see it. We'd have an equal amount to lose if blackmail was your intention."

Harry blinked and his heart beat a little faster. "You're married though," he mentioned.

Lucius gave him a cold look. "The arrangement I have with my wife is of no concern to you. Suffice to say that we respect each other's names and consider it convenient to appear close in public." Lucius sighed again. "I'm sure you and I can take the time to indulge in some negative emotion."

Harry nodded and allowed Lucius to arrange things with the proprietor. A room was organised. Lucius sent Harry up and, for the sake of subtly, he lingered downstairs. A Malfoy must maintain a certain amount of discretion.

(-)

Upstairs, Harry stripped down to his boxers to give himself something to do. He wasn't to keen on thinking things through at this point. He wondered what had possessed him to make such an impulsive and likely stupid suggestion. Then again, if he was thinking and concentrating, he could sense it, this darkness. In all honesty, it was something he had felt before. But it was something he always denied in himself. If you slipped up, if you gave into the darkness, even slightly, it would have you, or so he had believed. Now, he wasn't so sure. If this was what it took to balance out the volatile parts of his personality, then that was that.

He knew that he should try and talk it out with some smart and trusted person, like Dumbledore or Hermione. But a part of him was also very worried about what conclusions would be drawn. He loathed the idea that he had any similarities with Voldermort. He also remembered where the Sorting Hat had first offered to place him. The last thing he needed was his friends or mentor doubting him as much as he did at this point.

Harry sighed. It would be best just to accept it for a moment, just for now. While the notion of revelling in anger and mutual dislike made his guts twist, there was an undeniable part of him that thrilled at the opportunity. Some of Lucius' words came back to him:_ there is a sliver of darkness, perhaps not even your own… _

With a deep breath Harry relaxed his control and let the darkness rise up. Seconds passed. Then Harry smiled. It was not an entirely pleasant expression. He stretched out on the bed and smoothed the covers.

When Lucius walked in he paused. If it had been anyone else, Harry would have said that he hesitated.

"Something has changed," Lucius announced warily.

"I took your advice," Harry replied softly.

"Indeed."

"Familiar, is it?" Harry asked.

"Pardon?"

"Whatever it is that you can sense in me. According to your little theory, it's a fragment of your master. So tell me, are you getting a sudden urge to kneel?"

The only outward sign of Lucius' rage was a tightening of his lips and a flaring of his nostrils, but Harry could feel the anger wash over him. His smile widened.

"You're going to pay for that," Lucius whispered.

Harry laughed. "I certainly hope so."

At this, Lucius smirked. He pealed off his gloves and disrobed. Harry eyed him appreciatively, but couldn't keep his gaze from returning to that superior smirk that flavoured Lucius' expression. Despite the situation, the blonde also kept his wand close to hand. Harry wasn't bothered by this, considering that he had stashed his own wand under the pillow. It was only sensible.

Lucius stalked over to the bed and its occupant. With a graceful motion he settled above his target. Harry couldn't deny a slight thrill at the intimidation. Then he spotted the Dark Mark burned into the pale flesh of Lucius' arm. With a grin, Harry arched up and ran his tongue over the brand.

Something flickered in Lucius' cold eyes, but it was gone before Harry could identify it. A heartbeat later, Lucius' hand tightened in the teen's hair and wrenched his head back. The kiss that followed contained more teeth than Harry was accustomed to. Once they had finished bruising his lips, he felt them graze a path down his throat and sink into the junction of his neck and shoulder. There was pain, but it simply made him squirm.

A part of him was appalled that he was enjoying this, compared it to his sweet and awkward kisses with Cho. He _had_ enjoyed the shy grins and slow glances, but this was something else entirely. This was harsh and demanding. This was unforgiving and yet he was responding in a way he had never responded before. A part of him that he had buried as deep as he could, clamoured and howled for this. A part of him craved this and wanted to leave a few marks of his own. Consequently, when Lucius had regained some of his composure, let his grip on Harry's hair relax and attempted to engage him in a more civilised kiss, Harry bit down. He didn't draw blood, but it was close. Lucius drew back with a curse and gave Harry a dark look. Harry writhed as he felt the anger rising again in his impromptu lover.

"Savage little thing, aren't you?" Lucius sneered.

"You're not so civilised yourself, _sir_. Underneath that aristocratic mask I can feel your raw anger. Why do you think I chose this; chose you?"

Lucius gave him an appraising look. There was a certain wariness in his gaze. "Once again you surprise me. It is disconcerting."

Harry grinned. "Enough talking, finish what you started here."

Lucius forced a knee between Harry's legs and pushed it upward. Harry gasped.

"I don't take orders from you, boy," Lucius hissed.

Harry was just going to mention something about who Lucius did take orders from, but the hard thigh rubbing against his erection was more than a little distracting. If his expression was any indication, Lucius thoroughly enjoyed reclaiming the upper hand. Feeling thwarted, Harry reached out to grab at Lucius. The blonde suddenly had his hand wrapped around Harry's wrist and pinned it to the mattress. Harry's other hand was free but he kept where it was. He could recognise an unspoken command and he opted for glaring at the other instead.

Having made his point, Lucius hooked his fingers into the waistband of Harry's boxers and slid them down. At that point, Lucius drew his wand. Harry's heart raced and he surreptitiously felt for his own wand underneath the pillow. He knew that Lucius wasn't going to try anything. Harry could feel just how aroused the other wizard was and he wouldn't be able to focus on any spell that required too much power. Besides, he wouldn't risk an open fight in a place like this. He would be smart enough to realise that Harry was hardly unarmed or unprepared.

A soft incantation provided some lubrication and Harry winced as Lucius began to prepare him. It wasn't rough or hurried. Apparently, control was enough to make Lucius behave in a magnanimous fashion and he clearly knew what he was doing.

Harry gradually forced himself to relax. Then he gasped when a twist of the fingers inside him prompted a burst of pleasure. He pushed down unconsciously and heard Lucius chuckle at the reaction.

Harry was getting impatient, once the initial pain had subsided, things felt too leisurely and calm. This was not the purpose of the exercise. It was supposed to be about indulging darker things.

"Are you forgetting why we're here, Lucius?" Harry managed to ask between gasps.

Lucius' expression twisted with distaste. "If you were expecting me to simply brutalise you, you will be disappointed." He emphasised his words with another shift of his fingers, eliciting a low groan from Harry.

"It is a matter of pride that anyone I choose to take to bed enjoys themselves. This is about balancing emotions. I can tell you right now that mere pain would be insufficient. But don't worry; you'll get what you want." Lucius removed his fingers and positioned Harry. The glared at one another, lust and frustration was evident in both sets of eyes, though a sense of anticipation hung thickly in the air. Harry licked his lips.

Lucius sheathed himself in one graceful movement. Harry's head fell back against the pillow and he released a hoarse cry. Lucius breath was heavier as he sought to control himself. It seemed a mere fraction of second before he pulled out slightly before thrusting back in.

Heedless of earlier activities, Harry reached out and dug his fingers into Lucius' shoulders. The blonde grunted slightly, but otherwise maintained a quick pace. The physical pleasure was underscored by a strong sense of power, domination and triumph. The traces of anger and resentment that flowed beneath all of that, was precisely what Harry wanted. It was the slaking of a sharp craving. In his semi-coherent state, Harry could only describe it as feeling right.

Consequently, a few strokes to Harry's throbbing arousal were enough to send him over the edge. He moaned and his fingers dug even deeper into Lucius' shoulders. The thought of leaving bruises gave Harry a sharp sense of satisfaction. The blonde hissed at the pain, but he merely drove in harder. Harry felt limp and exhausted and was only vaguely conscious of Lucius finishing.

Afterward Harry felt lighter and more at peace than he had in quite some time. A large grin was plastered across his face. However, a return to a more peaceful frame of mind came with the unwanted consequence of realising what he had just done. He had slept with a Death Eater, a married man and someone who was old enough to be his father. The sheer quantity of reasons that made this a really bad idea caused the grin to evaporate off his face. He sat up and placed a hand over his eyes with a groan. Out of all the stupid and impulsive things he had done over the years, this one was a clear winner.

A moment later Harry heard the covers rustle and a light touch drifted over his spine. He shivered slightly, but he didn't pull away.

"I'm surprised that it took this long for you to regret your actions." Lucius' voice was languid. Harry felt a flare of resentment that the blonde could be so relaxed.

"Look," Lucius began, "we both got something we wanted and there were no untoward consequences for our actions. I know that you were feeling quite pleased before you allowed your insufferable sense of duty to cloud things. If you insist on dissecting every action you will never enjoy yourself. There are few actions that are purely 'good', in this world. I can also assure you that none of them are truly pleasurable. Finally, if you somehow managed to deny yourself completely, it could twist you into something far worse than an average flawed human." As he spoke, Lucius let his fingertips drift across the back of Harry's neck and trace his jaw line.

Harry relaxed minutely. "You certainly know how to be persuasive."

Lucius chuckled. "It's a hobby of mine."

"Why are you trying to be nice?"

"Supposing I choose to follow your example of bunt conversation that lacks even the semblance of subtlety or tact: what makes you think I'm being nice?"

Harry frowned. "Well, you are reassuring me."

"Of course. If I ever want you to seek me again, I can't let you wallow in predictable Gryffindor guilt, now can I?"

"Again?" Harry blurted. Lucius merely shrugged.

"Don't count on it," Harry muttered.

"I avoid counting on things whenever possible. However, no good mood lasts forever and sooner or later I think you'll need something like this."

Harry turned around to glare at the blonde. Lucius merely smirked. "The offer stands if you need it. Just remember my arguments. They are no way invalidated by your personal dislike of the conclusions."

Harry nodded grudgingly. "I'd better get back to my friends."

"Indeed. I have my own business to attend to." Lucius paused for a moment and scrutinised Harry's expression. "I wonder if your companions will be able to tell the difference."

Harry dropped his gaze and busied himself with dressing. He didn't have to look in the mirror to know that any difference would be obvious. He felt more stable than he had in months and he just wished that it wasn't due to questionable activities.


End file.
